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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28389480">without you around</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/invisible_string/pseuds/invisible_string'>invisible_string</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Victorious (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, I Don't Even Know, Letters, Not Canon Compliant, Post-Break Up, Sad Ending</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 14:46:59</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,104</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28389480</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/invisible_string/pseuds/invisible_string</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>They always romanticize love. It's all so good and funny and you are always happy and it never ends. But it does end. They forget to tell you. They block out the inevitable fall that comes with love.</p><p>Jade and Beck break up.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Beck Oliver/Jade West</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Mail</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>without you around</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>At first there was nothing. Nothing but her voice that hung in the air. The last final exclaim. </span>
  <em>
    <span>One!</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It hung in the air like it knew its destiny and how much it meant to both people standing on other sides of the door, separated by wood and unspoken words that danced hand in hand with unsolved problems. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The second thing that went down was a movement. Her combat boots that found their way to the door. One step closer and she could push the door open, could scream at him what the hell he was doing and why he was standing there and not opening the door. It wasn't that hard after all. Just a door and a knob that needed to be moved and then a little push. She wanted to mock him, wanted to  hide her own insecurities "Come on, Beck, even a toddler could have opened the door faster.". But she was standing there, staring at the door and her hand that was ready to move the door knob. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It isn't that hard, West! What are you doing? Afraid of a little push?</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>And maybe she was afraid of it, was afraid of Beck's face behind the door, what it would look like.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He said he was tired of fighting and what else would it be, if not fighting, when she opened the door right now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was afraid of his face and the disappointment she would find on it, so she turned on her heels and left the place, leaving him behind -- the only boy she ever found herself loving. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Beck, </span>
</p><p>
  <span>it might sound so stupid after all but maybe I miss you. Just a little bit, of course. Because God forbid that Jade West of all people misses someone and shows any other emotion than rage. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe just maybe I miss your smile and sweet talks I claimed to hate. And maybe just maybe I miss your encouraging words, your scent and your comfort. It's been too long since we last talked. Way too long. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And I miss your stupid parents, can you believe that? It's quite funny how you can miss something that was once so irritating, simply because it's tied to someone you love. Oh, there.. I said it… love. No past tense and all. Full on present tense and all that chiz. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Because what else is this feeling in my chest -- the longing for you, the emptiness without you, my heart split in two -- if not love? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They always romanticize love. It's all so good and funny and you are always happy and it never ends. But it does end. They forget to tell you. They block out the inevitable fall that comes with love. The pain, the heartbreak. Because after all love means letting someone in, allowing them to see your scars and the entire you, no filter. And when that person leaves, they take everything with them and leave an empty shell.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hell, Beck, I forgot about this part. You did the impossible and took my fear and crumbled it with your words, your appearance and your whole attitude. And in the end, the fall caught me off guard. I was unprepared. Wasn't ready for it to happen all too soon. Of course I knew we had problems but that wouldn't stop us, would it? It never did! Why did it now? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Heck, Beck, we should have been together forever! We both shouldn't have ended this way... not like that, anyway! It is way too hurtful for us. People in the hallways probably think it's fitting. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I bet, they are already all over you, again. And this time nothing is stopping you from engaging in their behavior. You could go and talk to them oh so easily.  No me that stops you. I wish I could. Stop you, I mean. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I am getting carried away.. People in hallways don't know shit! All they do is assume and assume -- "Oh, they are fighting again, I bet they will break up soon! It won't last long, anyway!" "Oh, I think they are pretty, so let's ignore basic boundaries and ask them out, despite the fact they are in relationships! Great idea!".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They don't know shit, Beck! They don't know about the star gazing, the compliments, the weekends spent together, the movie nights. Hell, I miss this, Beck! I tried to enjoy them again, I really did. Tried to with Cat and others. It didn't work. Because they are not you. They are never you. Will never be you. And I can't be with someone that isn't you! I can't. Like I said, I tried. I really did! It isn't the same. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Who is going to know my coffee order like you? Who is going to compliment me like you did? And I mean real compliments, not the shallow ones people throw at me just because they see a pretty face! To whom can I escape to when everything is too much again? Where can I find myself without even wanting to? Where can I exist just so peacefully, if not with you? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I wish you could have given me more signs! I could have prepared for the crack, for this feeling of no joy. But nope, I gotta suffer through this like everyone else does. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And maybe that's the trick with love -- nothing  -- and I mean nothing --- happens like you want it to be. Nothing. Not even such a love like ours. I wish we could have escaped this cycle of inevitable love, outwitted it somehow but it wouldn't have been real then, would it? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>~ Jade </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She never sent the letter, never gave it to him because what would it change? They lost themselves and were busy picking up the pieces. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But that was taken them longer than Jade had thought and although it hurt her and her impatience grew, she said no word. She didn't approach him, once she saw him dating Meredith and once they did break up again. She didn't utter a word, when nothing happened on the Full Moon Jam, when she watched her last hope crash before her. He didn't take the second chance that Jade threw at him because she was tired of waiting, was tired of this feeling of numbness and rage. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She never spoke a word, watched everything happen in seemingly disinterest. And so did he.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Beck, </span>
</p><p>
  <span>how dare you? How dare you simply taking everything with you and then never appearing again, not even saying a word about what happened? How dare you leaving me alone like that? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You left like everyone else! I mean, of course, you did. Who am I to think that the amazing Beck Oliver would stop in his every movement just because his girlfriend broke up with him? Who am I to think that I am actually good enough to be chased by you? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beck, why the hell didn't you take the chance today? Hell, I tried to tell you just how I feel! God damn, I love you! I still do. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You are the one this song is about! You, you, you, you, you! It will always be you. There's never a scenario, in which I can't picture myself happily without you. You are the one source of my happiness. You were, at least. Now you are Miranda's. Or whatever her name is -- I didn't bother to learn it. She's just someone passing by. Isn't she?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beck, why didn't you take the chance today?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>~ Jade</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She dyed her hair a couple of weeks later -- a bright red color. She hoped it would distract her from Beck but it didn't. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cat simply giggled at her new hair "Jade, we match now" and Robbie commented that it looked like blood. That satisfied her at least a little bit but it didn't close the Beck shaped hole in her heart. And still she and Beck didn't speak a word other than small talk and when they were forced to get along because their friends wanted to do something as a friend group. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Beck,</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I am so sorry that I got angry in my last letter, I really am! I know, you will never read those but I feel the need to apologize.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And you know.. I think this letter is going to be the last one. Our break up is not so fresh anymore. We barely speak, y'know? I still miss you, I really do, I will never stop but I feel like I truly need to start something new and that I need to forget about you. Not necessarily forget about you in the "I will erase every memory of you" way, I couldn't even do that, I am not ready for that yet but simply in a "I will accept this part of my life as a chapter that ended" way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>In screenwriting you have this one perfect moment, in which you just know that this is the end. That's the moment you truly waited for, everything is just right the way it is and you can finally say "goodbye" to the story and its characters. What lays in front of you, is a perfect piece of art, it's complete. Until you do not experience that moment, you have to keep writing, maybe take a few adjustments here and there, 'til you reach the moment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I haven't reached my moment yet and whatever I do, it doesn't seem to come near me in any way. I need to complete my story and maybe this adjustment is simply the fact that I need to move on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I hope that you'll be okay with that. Me, not writing letters anymore. But like, you don't even get to see the letters, so there's nothing that changes for you. I still hope, you know somehow. That you can see it in the way my behavior will slowly shift or in the way I will walk differently. But then, I tried to mask everything pretty well.. I don't know what you'll actually notice and what not, if we are too far away already, to notice such simple things about each other. I just hope that that is the right decision. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>~ Jade</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She got the letter three days before their graduation ceremony. It simply sat on the kitchen counter, her name on it in a hand writing, she could never forget. She had it memorised, letter by letter, A to Z. She simply looked at it, didn't know how to act. It felt wrong that it was there, felt like an invader of her personal space. It shouldn't be laying there. He shouldn't have made an active appearance in her life again. Seeing him as a background character was painful at first but now one way to deal with the pain and the aftermath of that one big event that had shattered her core. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The letter was causing her so much unease that it simply kept laying there until her mother asked if she should put it into the trash can. Nothing happened to the letter until then. Suddenly, it got picked up, got carried to a new environment that was Jade's room and got opened with shaking hands.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Dear Jade, </span>
</p><p>
  <span>you don't know how long I contemplated writing you this letter. I always thought of it as a plan B to all our problems.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In all honesty, I wanted to give you enough space to heal, I know that I hurt you a lot that day, I hurt myself just the same. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The truth is, I wanted to be this selfless guy that doesn't chase after his girlfriend because he knows, she needs her space. In the end, I am the selfish guy that couldn't wait any longer because he knows, leaving his one true love behind is something he can't do. Something he never wanted to do and something he never pictured himself doing. I always thought that we'd be okay in the end. That we would find each other, sooner or later but the years passed. Hell, Jade, we are graduating soon and still no progress! </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I never thought that it would end like this and I don't want it to. We are Beck&amp;Jade after all, not Beck and Jade. We belong together. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I am tired of simply waiting here and doing nothing, waiting for you to take a step, you may never will. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I know, it's an asshole move that I am currently doing that, forcing you into that position and maybe guilt tripping you and that I am a hell of a hypocrite for telling you that you didn't take the chance although I chickened out on the Full Moon Jam. Hell, I still don't even know, whether or not you really meant me. I simply couldn't believe that you'd mean me. I mean, I got Meredith and all. But on the other hand, you had no one -- at least no one I knew of. Anyway, I never took the chance because I was too afraid of the humiliation that would wait for me, if I had misinterpreted something. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That's partly the reason why I am writing this letter, to make it clear. No room for misinterpretation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>If you miss me just like I do and if you wanna try it again, meet me after the graduation ceremony. We could meet in the janitor's closet like we did so often and just talk. I mean, graduation means a new beginning and I'd love to start a new beginning with you. Hell, "would love to" is so formal for that what I want to express..  it isn't enough! I need to, Jade, because I have been living without you for too long! </span>
</p><p>
  <span>~ Beck </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But she couldn't chase a high school sweetheart. They hadn't even lasted through the complete hell that meant high school. What would guarantee her that they would last through college? College, where they wouldn't even see each other. Poison for every relationship, especially for a relationship like hers and Beck's. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jade had sworn him off. She had found some form of closure after her last letter. She couldn't just walk back into that mess, letting her principles behind just like that and then, going through the hurt once again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She couldn't sleep that night. Her thoughts were always wandering around, her mind restless. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She imagined how it would play out the next day. How she would see him for the last time in a long time, maybe even forever. Her heart hurt, whenever she thought about that. It really could be the last time, they would see each other, simply existing next to each other, ignoring the past they had shared, the hurt between them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A part of her didn't want it to end like that. It was too unfitting for them, it wasn't their path. They should have been happily sitting next to each other, hands intertwined and waiting for their names to be called, knowing it would mean freedom and a life they could spend together. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She knew that it wasn't meant to play out this way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They would part ways that day. Forever. Inevitable end. Of course. Like it was going to happen ever since they fell apart that day. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The next day arrived and Jade greeted it together with birds, that chirped way too happily like they didn't know that Jade's world was about to truly and forever fall apart. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was writing her final letter, the letter that would finally find its way into Beck's hands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The ceremony was coming up quickly in-between the words Jade wrote and her getting ready. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She wished that she could stay calm but her stomach twisted and the lack of sleep increased her nervous feeling, so she was simply sitting in her chair in the black box theater and watched all the students stand up and take their diploma. First Beck, then Robbie, Tori and Cat. Finally, herself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She stood up and followed the path her friends already walked upon and then took her place next to Cat, who grinned at her, waving her diploma in her hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We made it, Jadey!!", she whispered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yeah, they made it, like all the other students before them, they finally were free from school and were ready to enter the next level -- work life, finding their places in the world and all that usual stuff. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She wouldn't go through all of these stages with Beck, she needed to remind herself of it. The possibility was there. She could simply ignore her original plan, she could toss the letter into the trash can and could kiss Beck, could try to start a long distance relationship. She wouldn't stay in LA, everything was too crowded in this city and reminded her of better times. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beck was right in saying that graduation meant new beginnings, he simply wasn't right about the fact with whom they would spend their new beginnings. He wasn't right because people tend to forget about that part and Beck was human, as much as she wished he was some ethereal being that could take her with him. But if he would have been, he wouldn't have broken up with her. The crucial part about love wouldn't have applied to him. But it did and now they were standing there, their lives in front of them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After the ceremony they simply stood next to each other. Jade in her black dress and Beck in his suit that fitted him a little too well. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey", he spoke cautiously, like he was afraid that other words would fall out of his mouth, if he wasn't so cautious with them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey", she replied equally cautious.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was weird to talk to him again, her voice felt like she hadn't spoken in aeons, although she just perfectly spoke to her friends. She simply hadn't talked to him in aeons and that's why it felt weird, that's why everything felt so off and bizarre. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was uncomfortable just standing there, being forced to look at him. Forced to look at the one person that saw the real her. Forced to look at the one person that had left her and hurt her more than anything else, even more than the disappearance of her father. Forced to look at the one person that she couldn't find herself hating, despite all that he had done to her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And because everything was so darn painful, she decided to talk, to simply ignore all the pain that accompanied it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I got your letter"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jade left the place alone, just according to the brutal law of love that everyone forgot about. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
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